Brave: Step one- Breaking the silence.

February.  The month of love…..

Have I ever mentioned that I am married to the best husband and father God could have ever given me?  Have I ever told you how incredibly lost in love I am with him?  Have I ever told you my heart stops when he looks into my eyes from across the room?  Have I ever told you our marriage almost fell apart nearly 4 short years ago?  Probably not that last part, right?

Brian and I are joining together on our next adventure and we pray that you receive this post with open hearts and minds.  But, if you choose not to, we pray that if you know someone who is, has or may be struggling in their marriage you love them through it….

July 4th, 2011 was full of fireworks at our house and in our hearts.  I vividly remember the clothes I was wearing, the way the bedroom was set up and the way the sun came through the window falling on the treadmill beside my bed.  I remember that Brasen had crawled into bed with me early that morning when Brian wasn’t there and he was still laying next to me while our two other children were asleep upstairs.  I heard the front door open.  Brian entered our bedroom and took Brasen into the living to watch cartoons and then he entered our bedroom, closed the door and my world was forever changed.

There, in our home, Brian stood next to our bed and confessed that he had been living a lie and had been unfaithful to me and to our kids.

Even now, as I type this, I can feel the blood surging through my body and even into my fingers and toes as my heart beats with memory of that very moment.  The days to follow were days of pure hell.  Some moments are blurry and some parts are so vivid I can still smell and taste parts of those moments.  I remember moments of rage and moments of sadness.  I remember holding it together in front of the kids and times where I had to leave the room so that the tears wouldn’t be noticed.  I remember calling a friend to come a sit with my children to be with them while I left my house for moments of solace.  I remember the phone call to my mom, my pastor, the church elders and a few close friends.

It was a time of so much sadness but, looking back, a time where I felt the peace of God on my life like I had never felt it before.

Trying to make sense of it all I knew I needed to talk about.  I chose those people very carefully.  I still loved Brian so deeply and I wanted nothing more than to protect him during this time.  He was the love of my life.

I remember calling a spiritual mentor of mine and completely melting into the phone as I spoke the words that I never thought would leave my mouth, “Brian had an affair.”  I told her everything that I knew and then I prayed that God would use her to speak into my broken life… and He did.  She spoke words that forever changed my heart.  She spoke words of truth and faith and determination and reminded me of what God had done for us.

She encouraged me to speak words of faith and love over Brian and, despite my hurt, to be the woman that God had created me to be and do the unthinkable- love him through this time.

My heart was broken and my flesh wanted so badly to say “what about me!  I am the one who has been betrayed.  I am the one who is broken.  I am the one who doesn’t know where my marriage is going to end up!”  All of those things were true and were very real… But God began changing my heart.

As Brian was dealing with his own demons and thoughts of failures I was dealing with other thoughts.  How did I let this happen?  How will we tell our family?  How could I possibly continue in ministry with this going on?  How would I stand in front of the church and lead them in worship each week while this was going on in my life, my home, my marriage…..  As I spoke with the elders of the church and with our pastors I was met with words of so much love.  I was told that Brian had already contacted them and they were already working with him on this situation.  As I looked into their eyes for clarity of where my ministry in this growing church was headed they never hesitated when they said “you are our worship leader and your place is on that stage- leading people to the throne of grace.  We stand beside you.  If you need time away you certainly have it but this situation changes nothing of your service in our church.”  And, they went on to say that they stood beside Brian and were willing to do what ever it took to keep our marriage alive.  And they did just that.  The church did not bail on me or Brian- God doesn't bail and that church walked with us as Christ was walking through it with us.

This was a very ugly time in our lives.  A very trying time in my faith.  I have to say- there were times I just didn’t know if we were going to walk through this time and say “we are better because of it.”  Some of the darkest moments of my life happened during this time.  Let me remind you- Brasen had received his Kidney Transplant only 4 months prior to the bomb going off.  It wasn’t a great time for me.  I could have done things differently- both good and bad.  But, here I am.

Today.

February 1, 2015.

I look across the room at the man who still owns my heart.  He is sitting at the table talking to one of our four children and my heart still melts.  When we walked into church this morning my breath still caught in my chest as he placed his hand on the small of my back and walked me into the sanctuary where we worshiped as family.  When he prays, each night before bed, my heart is at peace.

Why now?  Why are we breaking the silence?

Simply put- Satan loves silence.  Through the past almost 4 years we have sat with friends and strangers as they have poured their hearts out to us who experienced the same thing in their marriage.  Betrayal knows no bounds and it strikes so often it is scary.  Other friends in the ministry.  Other friends who are non believers.  Family members.  Strangers who are just seeking prayer for pain in their marriage.

The past four years have been years of healing.  God spoke to us through these years as we prayed about when or even if we should share our story.  We have kept it silent.  Would people look at us different?  Would my husband be questioned and doubted?  Would my ministry in the church be stopped?  Would our children understand? We know that God wants us to share this and encourage others

Here is the fact- God did not make this happen.  Brian is not a failure.  And I am not blameless in this whole story.

Truth- Our God is a redeeming God.  Our God loves regardless of…….  Our God is a God who forgives.  Our God is a healer…

Through this blog we hope to offer hope.  We hope to offer truth.  We hope to offer a picture of what faith can do when we allow ourselves to be molded into His likeness.  Some days are messy.  Some days are hard.  Some days are loud.

But, I have good news.  This is the year.  God has major things in store for us and for you.  If you are walking through this time we are here to walk through this with you.  We want to see marriages healed.

I can honestly say that I love this man more today than I have ever loved him.  He is the man I want our boys to grow up to be and our daughters to grow up and marry.  He is a man of God and I am honored to be walking beside him.

I leave you today with this:

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the Lord,
    you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

⁷ Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

⁸ “For I, the Lord, love justice;
    I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
    and make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations
    and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
    that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

¹⁰ I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up
    and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
    and praise spring up before all nations.

You will soon read Brian’s testimony.  You will soon  read in more detail how God walked through this time with us.  This is just the beginning.  We welcome you into our lives.  Please feel free to email us, friend us on facebook and let us know how we can be praying with you in your marriage.  Thank you for reading this. Thank you for praying for us and with us. Remember: There is no shame in Christ.  Beauty for Ashes.  Be Brave.

 

kimberlyrussell04@yahoo.com

or

eucharisteo04@gmail.com

praying for grace,

Us.