"what now?"
Where do we go from here? What happens now? What about our kids? What about our parents? What about the church we lead?.....
We never expected to get the reaction we have about our blog entries from last week. Truly. Over the past week we have been processing it all. Praying over what to say and how to handle so many questions- realizing that sometimes we just need to listen and be there to support, encourage and pray with people who have reached out to us.
Sitting in one of the sessions at IF Gathering this weekend a scripture was mentioned in the middle of one of the messages and it resonated so powerfully with me that I couldn't stop thinking about it that evening and throughout the following day. The scripture was 2 Corinthians 5:18 which talks about reconciliation. Simple word- terribly complex in a nature and almost impossible to digest at times. I want to share with you the verse and the verses that surround it:
"11. ...We know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade men. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. 12. We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 13. If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 16. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; the old has gone, the new has come! 18. All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19. That God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf; Be reconciled to God. 21. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
Reconciliation: the restoration of friendly relations, bringing together again, fence mending, reuniting.
We don't have all the answers- in fact we don't have any answers. Every situation is different. Every situation is very much the same. Every situation is personal. We would never say that we know how to fix what was broken or that we have an exact equation for each problem. What we do know is exactly what this scripture tells us. This is what we have chosen to hold fast to.
We share our story to honor God. His love for us that we have seen and experienced first hand compels us- COMPELS US- to share our story of reconciliation with you. Brian is a new creation. I am a new creation. Our marriage is a new creation and we no longer take it for granted and see if from worldly eyes. It is not just a binding contract. It is no longer an obligation. It is a relationship was that was divinely appointed by God that was created to bring him glory. Just as Christ has called us back to himself - reconciled us- we are aching to be his hands and feet to bring marriages back to him. We are out of our mind in love with God. We are out of our mind in love with each other. We are out of our mind and passionate about allowing God to use us to bring healing and reconciliation to marriages.
We see this new time in our lives as a privilege and an honor to encourage marriages to be what God created them to be. When marriages are strong the church is strong- his church.
Our past is not our future.
Your past is not your future.
Your past years of marriage is not what your future years have to look like.
Don't give into the lies that satan wants you to hear.
Lie #1: Now that the truth is out there we are all good and it's behind us.
Truth: Now that the truth is out there you are officially in the battle zone. You are officially at war. He, satan, is going to do everything he can to rip hope from your hands and cause you to experience even a fiercer pain that what you have already experienced. Get your armor on and stand strong because the battle is going to come fast and hard.
Lie #2: We need to tell everyone out there so that we can just get it off our chest.
Truth: You are not ready to share this with everyone on your facebook feed. When you and your spouse are in the war of a lifetime and battling for your marriage you need to choose the soldiers who are beside you very carefully. The ones that you can trust with your life- because that is exactly what your marriage is. You need to get accountability for both of you- not only for the spouse who was unfaithful. If you are reading this and you are the one who feels like your heart was ripped out of your chest you need someone, or a small group, of people that can be there to encourage you. There will be days that you question and you fight battles in your head and that is okay. But- it's not okay to keep beating your spouse with that stick. They are fighting their own demons and they need your love- your support system is there to intercept those moments of anger and frustration. Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't be able to tell your spouse how you are feeling and how deeply you are hurting as those waves of hurt and fear flow over you from time to time. But, there is a time for that and it has to be done gently and in a healthy way. On a day when I wanted to walk away and deal with life alone with the kids I called a woman who I know God led me to that day. She listened to my cries and heard my sobs and she loved me through that phone call. At the end of the phone call she said "you need to speak words of love and life out loud over him, hug him and let him cry in your arms." She told me that his place was not on the couch, where I wanted him to sleep while I "figured things out". She said his place was in our room and in our bed beside me. And she was right. I vividly remember Brian and I hugging in the middle of our living room and saying to him (with a knot in my throat because it felt so strange to say it at that moment with the feelings I was having) "You are a mighty man of God and this does not define you." As I said those words that this woman encouraged me to say something strange happened inside of me- I started believing those words to be true....... and so did Brian.
Lie #3: Our parents aren't going to understand.
Truth: They do. I know that this isn't the case across the board but more times than not- they get it. While they may not have ever experienced this first hand, their son or daughter is experiencing it first hand- and that is sometimes worse. I cringed at the thought of telling my parents. Would my dad kill Brian? Would my mom hold a grudge against him and hate him in her heart? I knew this wasn't at all their character but the lies filled my head. While I didn't give my parents all of the gory details (because they didn't need to know them and neither do yours) they could see that Brian was hurting and so was I. My mom hugged me and said the words only a mom who had prayed an hour in the car on the way to our house could say.... "honey, it's going to be okay and everyone makes mistakes." My mom taught me how to be a warrior of prayer and in that moment her words showed me just how deep her prayers were. Seeing her daughter in so much pain she chose to show and speak words of grace in a time that grace was unthinkable. As Brian stood and looked at my dad face-to-face and begged for his forgiveness my dad loved him and told him that he was already forgiven. Brian's parents always sent messages saying they were praying and never encouraged Brian to back away from our family and they never attempted to overstep their bounds. They were part of our army.
These are not the only lies that will be spoon fed to you but this is our attempt to just chip away at a few of them.
We are here for the nearly 1,400 people who have read our blog over the past week. We are here to encourage you to fight for your marriages.
If you are a pastor who is reading this who has staff members going through this situation we beg you to love them. We beg you to walk beside them and carry their armor and swards for them when they are just to weak to carry them on their own.
If you are a mother who is reading this and is watching your son or daughter go through this- pray like you have never prayed before. Be there for them when they need you and please, whatever you do, love the spouse who was unfaithful.
God is calling us back to him and he is calling marriages back to healing.... this is a fight we are in and we are ready to carry your armor when you are too weak to carry it on your own.
We never expected to get the reaction we have about our blog entries from last week. Truly. Over the past week we have been processing it all. Praying over what to say and how to handle so many questions- realizing that sometimes we just need to listen and be there to support, encourage and pray with people who have reached out to us.
Sitting in one of the sessions at IF Gathering this weekend a scripture was mentioned in the middle of one of the messages and it resonated so powerfully with me that I couldn't stop thinking about it that evening and throughout the following day. The scripture was 2 Corinthians 5:18 which talks about reconciliation. Simple word- terribly complex in a nature and almost impossible to digest at times. I want to share with you the verse and the verses that surround it:
"11. ...We know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade men. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. 12. We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 13. If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 16. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation ; the old has gone, the new has come! 18. All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19. That God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf; Be reconciled to God. 21. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
Reconciliation: the restoration of friendly relations, bringing together again, fence mending, reuniting.
We don't have all the answers- in fact we don't have any answers. Every situation is different. Every situation is very much the same. Every situation is personal. We would never say that we know how to fix what was broken or that we have an exact equation for each problem. What we do know is exactly what this scripture tells us. This is what we have chosen to hold fast to.
We share our story to honor God. His love for us that we have seen and experienced first hand compels us- COMPELS US- to share our story of reconciliation with you. Brian is a new creation. I am a new creation. Our marriage is a new creation and we no longer take it for granted and see if from worldly eyes. It is not just a binding contract. It is no longer an obligation. It is a relationship was that was divinely appointed by God that was created to bring him glory. Just as Christ has called us back to himself - reconciled us- we are aching to be his hands and feet to bring marriages back to him. We are out of our mind in love with God. We are out of our mind in love with each other. We are out of our mind and passionate about allowing God to use us to bring healing and reconciliation to marriages.
We see this new time in our lives as a privilege and an honor to encourage marriages to be what God created them to be. When marriages are strong the church is strong- his church.
Our past is not our future.
Your past is not your future.
Your past years of marriage is not what your future years have to look like.
Don't give into the lies that satan wants you to hear.
Lie #1: Now that the truth is out there we are all good and it's behind us.
Truth: Now that the truth is out there you are officially in the battle zone. You are officially at war. He, satan, is going to do everything he can to rip hope from your hands and cause you to experience even a fiercer pain that what you have already experienced. Get your armor on and stand strong because the battle is going to come fast and hard.
Lie #2: We need to tell everyone out there so that we can just get it off our chest.
Truth: You are not ready to share this with everyone on your facebook feed. When you and your spouse are in the war of a lifetime and battling for your marriage you need to choose the soldiers who are beside you very carefully. The ones that you can trust with your life- because that is exactly what your marriage is. You need to get accountability for both of you- not only for the spouse who was unfaithful. If you are reading this and you are the one who feels like your heart was ripped out of your chest you need someone, or a small group, of people that can be there to encourage you. There will be days that you question and you fight battles in your head and that is okay. But- it's not okay to keep beating your spouse with that stick. They are fighting their own demons and they need your love- your support system is there to intercept those moments of anger and frustration. Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't be able to tell your spouse how you are feeling and how deeply you are hurting as those waves of hurt and fear flow over you from time to time. But, there is a time for that and it has to be done gently and in a healthy way. On a day when I wanted to walk away and deal with life alone with the kids I called a woman who I know God led me to that day. She listened to my cries and heard my sobs and she loved me through that phone call. At the end of the phone call she said "you need to speak words of love and life out loud over him, hug him and let him cry in your arms." She told me that his place was not on the couch, where I wanted him to sleep while I "figured things out". She said his place was in our room and in our bed beside me. And she was right. I vividly remember Brian and I hugging in the middle of our living room and saying to him (with a knot in my throat because it felt so strange to say it at that moment with the feelings I was having) "You are a mighty man of God and this does not define you." As I said those words that this woman encouraged me to say something strange happened inside of me- I started believing those words to be true....... and so did Brian.
Lie #3: Our parents aren't going to understand.
Truth: They do. I know that this isn't the case across the board but more times than not- they get it. While they may not have ever experienced this first hand, their son or daughter is experiencing it first hand- and that is sometimes worse. I cringed at the thought of telling my parents. Would my dad kill Brian? Would my mom hold a grudge against him and hate him in her heart? I knew this wasn't at all their character but the lies filled my head. While I didn't give my parents all of the gory details (because they didn't need to know them and neither do yours) they could see that Brian was hurting and so was I. My mom hugged me and said the words only a mom who had prayed an hour in the car on the way to our house could say.... "honey, it's going to be okay and everyone makes mistakes." My mom taught me how to be a warrior of prayer and in that moment her words showed me just how deep her prayers were. Seeing her daughter in so much pain she chose to show and speak words of grace in a time that grace was unthinkable. As Brian stood and looked at my dad face-to-face and begged for his forgiveness my dad loved him and told him that he was already forgiven. Brian's parents always sent messages saying they were praying and never encouraged Brian to back away from our family and they never attempted to overstep their bounds. They were part of our army.
These are not the only lies that will be spoon fed to you but this is our attempt to just chip away at a few of them.
We are here for the nearly 1,400 people who have read our blog over the past week. We are here to encourage you to fight for your marriages.
If you are a pastor who is reading this who has staff members going through this situation we beg you to love them. We beg you to walk beside them and carry their armor and swards for them when they are just to weak to carry them on their own.
If you are a mother who is reading this and is watching your son or daughter go through this- pray like you have never prayed before. Be there for them when they need you and please, whatever you do, love the spouse who was unfaithful.
God is calling us back to him and he is calling marriages back to healing.... this is a fight we are in and we are ready to carry your armor when you are too weak to carry it on your own.
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