Brave: Step 2- the hard part. Brian's story

We have had countless messages, phone calls and emails over the past 24 hours.  Our hearts are with you and our prayers are being raised to heaven for you tonight.  Please know that you are not alone.  We are walking with you. 

Here is the part that I have to honestly say, caused me to waiver on whether or not we should do this.  This is the real part that is painful and may cause some to become uncomfortable with the "realness" of it.  But, after the conversations and emails we have had and sent over the past 24 hours we felt it was important to go ahead and release the next part of our story.  Your story.  Your neighbors story.  Your friends story.  Your pastors story.  Your brother and sisters story.  We pray this reaches out to places that are hidden in darkness. 

We are called out of darkness and into His marvelous light. 

1 Peter 2:9
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light:

Brian's beautiful story:

As Kim mentioned in her blog, this is the year of bravery for the Russell family.  Let me preface my contributions to this blog as amateur at best.  When reading my wife’s blogs over the past few years, I stand in amazement at the words, stories, and testimonies she effortlessly spills out.  This does not come as easy for me, hence my reluctance to share, as well as dealing with my own demons of “being real” with people. 

 The past 3 ½ years has flown by so quickly.  2 new jobs, 2 new cities, baby # 4….and a lot of change.    That big change in my life started on July 4^th, 2011.  I say started, because, I really didn’t know true change until looking back even now, I realize I’m constantly changing, and for the good!!!  

 My journey into an alternative lifestyle I would say started around the time our first son Brasen was born.  Kim and I were separated for over 5 weeks, and I found myself stuck between wanting to be by her side, Brasen’s side, wanting to still show my worth in my job, and learn songs for church because at that time, it was like a second income for us, as well as split weekends with Kim and Brasen, traveling back to make it for Sunday AM rehearsals.  This seemed to cause Kim and I to put ourselves on the back burner, and to be honest, we grew accustomed to placing many other things in front of why we even had a life together, our love and relationship.   I really didn’t entertain the thought of ever cheating on Kim at this point, however, I was setting myself up for doom.  I found myself going out with friends, bars, just to watch music and drink, and did I mention drink? It made me forget that I had an ailing son, and a wife that was giving every ounce of her spirit willing our son to life.  I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been on stage on a Sunday morning hung over, throwing up in between worship services.  This only happened once, but unfortunately, it was the norm on most Sundays for the band members to be coming in from playing most of the night before, not feeling 100% if you will.  This gave me a jaded view of why I was really doing this, and became more like work instead of being a part of worship.  I have to say to every worship leader, bandmate, and other musicians that I am sincerely sorry, and that looking back I was probably the main reason several things were stagnant and for that I cannot have enough remorse.

 For me, I didn’t wake up one day and think, “Hmmm, I want to cheat on my wife”, I think the years of disconnect with Kim and I putting “life” first before us led me to a path of just finding people that I could confide in.  Some of those people were guys at work, some ended up being women.   As I became more successful in my job, unfortunate opportunities arose and honestly, I wasn’t even seeking them out.   Traveling alone for my job was not a good option at that point.  I had no accountability, and with that came 3 encounters that I will forever regret.  Actually, regret was the first feeling I felt after each one, and I beat myself up worse than anyone could think.  I held it together for a few years after realizing this was not the path I desired, not what I wanted to do to Kim, our kids, and the life of “church people” that we had surrounded ourselves with.  However I was drowning, in guilt, shame, knowing that if I wanted to experience freedom from my sin, I needed to come clean.  Well, one would think that would be my breaking point right?  Well, once again I found myself confiding in a woman at work.  This led to what I thought was someone that really got me, and understood my point of view, and was led to believe if I were not happy with either my life, marriage, or situation, that I was the one that could change all of that.  Looking back, what I realize now is that this woman did not have my best plans or interests in mind at all, but her own agenda.  I thought this was what I wanted, something new, different, some one that was about me, when the real answer to the equation was at home raising my then 3 beautiful children. 

It all came to a head on July 3^rd, 2011 when I lied in order to go meet up with this woman.  I ended up staying out all night, and on the way home I broke down.  The thoughts of walking into my home, as the sun was rising, knowing my wife had no clue where I had been, my kids waking up and thinking everything is fine, I knew I could not keep going, the shame, guilt, and lifestyle was breaking me mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I was so scared that I thought I was going to puke, but I knew it was the time, I had to confess.  Now Kim was the type that had always said, “If you ever cheat on me we are done, and I’ll cut”, well, you can probably think of the rest of that sentence…  Part of me was tired of this lifestyle of shame and guilt, and part of me was thinking maybe she will leave me, maybe I’ll start a different life.  What I didn’t know was about to rock my world, and oh a different life I would have.

The look on her face, is forever etched in my brain.  A look of disbelief, shock, pain that I’ve never seen before.  I grabbed a few things, told Brasen since he was up, that I needed to go see Pappa and Nanna’s.  I called our pastor at that time, and he told me he would fight, fight for me and Kim, and he did.  Even when I wasn’t sure if I wanted to.   Kim’s mom came up to be with our kids, and I remember meeting Kim in a Target parking lot, and we talked.  That’s when the shock started for me, is that she was willing, willing to fight for me, love me, telling me that even though she hated my freakin guts, she also couldn’t live without me.  Open mouth insert foot, I was shocked.  Yet I still wasn’t 100% sold.  You see once you’ve lived a lie for so long, the callused heart does not break easy.  I remember her going through my phone, finding messages I would never want her to find, adding more insult to heartache.  Her also knowing that I worked with this woman was an issue.  But Kim is stubborn, and in this moment, I thank God for that stubbornness, because it saved us.  She made me see the true love of Christ, the unconditional love.  The love without works love, the love that no sin can separate love.  My heart shattered thinking of another man raising my babies, loving my wife. I realized then that there was no woman, no lifestyle that could fulfill me, or love me with what I had beside me all along.   It was time, time for me to put the love and attention into her, more than I had into anything else.  The road was long, and some days it still is, but she is my rock. 

So Kim and I’s venture into being brave for 2015 included us sharing our story.  This is honestly just the starting chapter.  I feel like our real anniversary is merely 3 ½ years ago, that I can truly say that I love her more now than ever before, more than I ever thought I could love someone.  I wish I had known what real love is the day I vowed to her on our wedding day, but she has shown me that true love, and has given that true love a life of its own. 

We want our story to be a story of hope.  Hope that people can change.  Hope that there is restoration.  Hope that life in marriage can be exciting, fun, full of joy.  I am reminded of the old Crowder tune that has been worn out, Make A Joyful Noise To The Lord/I Will Not Be Silent.  Kim and I are not going to be silent anymore.  We are not going to walk into a church, a group of people, and pretend that we have our stuff together.  Pretend that these things don’t happen to anyone, because I know of people that are going through some of the same painful struggles that I have went through, and I want to tell you now, there is hope.  If you are going through these struggles, call me, call Kim, we are here.  We can truly say, “We’ve been there”.  It has taken this much time for God to let us know it is time.  The time is for now for us as Christians to stop pretending we have it all together.  That we fail, and that sharing that failure with other people, makes us stronger not weaker.  Am I ashamed of my past decisions?  Like you wouldn’t believe.  I live with that every stinking day.  However, I also live with the fact that there is no condemnation to me, that I am free, that I’m no longer a slave to that lifestyle, that sin.  Please know that Kim and I long to use our story as healing, even for us.  Please reach out to us day or night, God is bigger than your circumstance, and with time, prayer, and His healing hand, you and your marriage or relationship can be made complete.

 

Brian.